Stop Should-ing Yourself
I should call this person. I should go to bed earlier. I should eat better. I should [insert verb here] more.
I don’t think most of us realize what a loaded word should is. And put simply, it implies failure. Something you are failing to do or have failed to do. An inherent sense of wrongdoing.
Take, for example, the should statement going off in my head for the last two months: I should really figure out this blog/newsletter thing. And for two months, it has weighed on my mind like an anchor weighs down a boat - it doesn’t make me any lighter, more motivated or gain momentum in the direction I want to go in. I think that is how should statements feel for most: a weight. An unmet expectation. A failure. Just should-ing yourself in the foot, really.
Should statements are also disempowering down-putters. If should is replaced with “I could” (implies choice), “I get to” (implies opportunity) or “I will” (implies intentional action), it has the potential to transform the statement to be empowering and more impactful. Because really, when you say “should,” you are really saying it isn’t something you want to do or to deal with. Should should be eliminated from our vocabulary. Or rather, it could be or it will be eliminated from my personal vocabulary. A continual goal of mine.
I also get curious on what I am saying or feeling “should” about. Why is there resistance? When a should statement comes up, I see it as an invitation to explore. Why haven’t I/aren’t I doing that thing? For me with re-starting my writing journey publicly, it was the fear of how it will be accepted, how to work the technology of sharing it all, fear of what others will think and self-imposed pressure of how to get it all perfect (and it’s not, so thanks for accepting this as a starting point in its evolution).
Could this website and writing platform have been started a few months earlier? Yes. Was it more valuable for me to explore the ways in which I was holding myself back with fear-based shoulds? Yes. Should it have been up sooner? I guess not, because it didn’t happen that way. All in divine timing, some may say.
Louise Hay offers an exercise in one of her books, You Can Heal Your Life, where it explores the should statements in your life. See my “Soul” entry for this week for her specific exercise. Linked article below.
“You see, I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are in , in effect saying “wrong.” Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrongs in our life. We need to have more freedom of choice.”
